Hey there! Before getting into the deep stuff, I give you a gazillion (virtual) hugs straight from my heart. Lately, you must have been thinking and thinking and over-over thinking about this matter. So now just drink some water, relax and try to calm down. Breathe when you panic and hold your chest as you do it. You have all my permission to stop reading when it gets hard because to doubt the sexuality of your husband post-marriage is a very very hard topic to discuss.
Is My Husband Gay?
It’s not every day that you find yourself asking, “Is my husband gay?”. It is not common and it’s not something that most of your friends can relate to. Sexuality or the sexual orientation of a person is fluid. It changes over the course of time. That is what research and more or less, the world has been proving every day.
An individual’s preference over who he or she wants to be with is their choice and theirs alone. To point the finger at it, to question it is none of your business. But you tend to forget all that preaching when you start doubting your partner’s sexuality. All the preaching about gender fluidity may seem senseless and pointless when it’s your own husband you are talking about.
Marriage or any relationship over its course can take you through rough patches. You mend the ones you can, compromise the ones you may and move on for the better good. All the fun and excitement of the honeymoon period may fade away when you tend to reduce the effort of keeping the fire up. There could be issues of disagreements, parenting needs, financial struggles, and whatnot! But regular marriage issues just fade away in the background when compared to the immensity of doubting if your husband is gay.
But before you get all panicked, let’s analyze this matter ‘Is my husband gay’ carefully because this is no play in the park. This is a serious issue and it is a question of your relationship and your life.
Is My Husband Gay? Signs To Find Out!
So, here are some potential signs that your husband might be gay. Let’s see how many boxes they check and then, let’s arrive at a decision as to how to move forward.
1. Lack Of Interest In Intimacy Or Sex
Intimacy of any form whether it be physical or mental is the core of any relationship. You should be alarmed when intimacy is compromised. Whether you are new in the relationship or not, when he fizzles out from intimate conversations or sex, you should be worried. But being gay is not the only reason that is triggering this aversion. Stress can also cause one to lose interest in sex. But closely examine his behavior in bed.
☑️ Is he easily turned off when you get intimate?
☑️ Is he faking the pleasure of foreplay?
☑️ Are you the only one initiating it?
☑️ Is it like a chore to him?
2. He Is Into Gay Porn
Most people watch porn and one’s preference for porn may or may not be very different from their realities. My point is, the type of pornography one watches could be out of curiosity or fantasy and might not tell a lot about their real behavior. But if you find your man constantly watching gay porn, you must be concerned that ‘is my husband gay’.
3. He Shows Homophobic Behaviour
Liking the color pink, using skincare and a little makeup, too much into grooming, etc does not scream that your husband is gay. A homophobic man(1) who hasn’t come out of the closet yet might showcase extreme disapproval to fellow gay men or gay couples. They may even show aggression when the topic comes up. These are very relevant signs that he is not comfortable in his own skin. Maybe he doesn’t want to tarnish society’s expectations of him by telling the world that he is gay.
4. He Is Hiding Something From You
Another sign to ask yourself Is my husband gay? that, he most certainly will try to hide things from you and protect you from the truth because maybe he doesn’t want to hurt your peace or your family. In such situations, he might detach himself from getting emotionally attached to you. If he is hiding something, you might be able to tell. It could be something like deleting his entire browsing history every time or he has unknown contacts in his phone or mysterious business meetings.
5. He Is Hanging Out A Lot With One Guy
It is one thing to have a male best friend. It is another to have a best male friend with benefits. It is a wild assumption to make and unless you are extremely sure and by that I mean unless you find them in a situation that surely proves it, don’t doubt it.
6. He Is Using A Gay Dating App
If you find a gay dating app on his phone, that is one of the clearest answers to the question Is my husband gay? If you notice any popular gay dating apps like Grindr(2) or Scruff(3) or apps like Tinder or Hinge with preferences for men, you must be aware. Having texts and calls at odd hours through these apps could speak volumes.
What Should I Do When I Find Out That My Husband Is Gay?
While it is easier said than done, you must be patient in this whole process. Do not make easy assumptions and jump to the “my husband is gay” conclusion. Even when all the signs point you to that path that you don’t want to, do not go rough and insensitive about this matter. Have a conversation.
- Provide a safe space
Be the bigger person and gently bring out the elephant in the room and show your concern. Do lay out a safe space for him so that he can openly talk to you.
- Give it time
He might deny it at first and even lash out at you when you bring this up first. But give it time. Give him time to think about it and get back to you. So while you are at it…
- Do not verbally attack him
This can easily stop him from admitting anything to you further. The ultimate goal should be to make them comfortable around you so that they will admit their truth.
- Understand that he is not wrong
It takes a lot of understanding and kindness and a very huge heart to take all this in. You have to understand that your husband being gay is not a way of hurting you, it is also not him cheating you. Maybe he is not ready to come out just yet. Maybe nobody gave him the safe space to admit his truth. Also, understand that this could be his first time admitting his biggest truth to someone. So, prepare yourself to handle it.
- Be kind to yourself
Take all the time in the world to mourn the loss of your relationship. To learn that everything was a lie and that your husband had to go through all that just to keep you happy can be very difficult for you. So, take a break. Also, if it is affecting your mental health and if it is eating you alive, do not try to help him beyond your abilities.
Communicate your feelings to him or a therapist as well and take care of yourself as well. After all, he should live his truth and you should move on with yours. Ask for help because whatever happened was unfortunate and was none of your faults.
How Do I Tell My Children That I Found Out That Their Father Is Gay?
Your feelings on this matter are as important as your children’s. Kids these days are more understanding than ever and you shouldn’t worry about expressing this to them if you think that they are mature enough to understand this. However, telling your kids about this is not a decision that you should make alone.
If you doubt ‘is my husband gay’? Your partner has the upper hand in telling your children about his sexuality because that is his secret to tell. You should discuss this with your partner first and then deal with this on your own terms. If your kids are young, you may try to protect them from the embarrassment that they would have to go through as long as you can. But do understand that one day, all the walls that you build around them will come falling down one day. So, deal with it sensitively. Teach your kids to be kind, and compassionate.
To think that your husband is gay is a very serious matter. Simple assumptions from very meager factors like having or spending a lot of time with guy friends or spending a lot of time in front of the mirror are not reasons why you should think is my husband gay?
Unless all the signs tell you otherwise, you should not be concerned. But if all the pointers are checked off the list, you should have a one-on-one, serious conversation on this matter with your partner.
But while you do so, make sure you are not reflecting all your angst on him. Give him a space to talk and try to be his pal. But then again, if it is too much for you to handle and if you cannot handle it sensitively, do not initiate conversations as these can further delay him coming out of the closet. Be kind to yourself.
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